Oh, The (Dungeon Related) Places You'll Go

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have spells in your book.
Or a sword in your sheath.
Or a minstrel’s fine lute.
Or the tools of a thief.
You’re off with your party, and you know where there’s treasure.
To buy beer, feasts and wenches, whichever’s your pleasure.

You’ll look up and down tunnels. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I’m too smart to go there”
With your old book of spells, and your sword in it’s sheath,
You’ll seek out the tunnels where you won’t come to grief.

And you may not find any
You’ll want to explore
In which case, of course,
Go outside to seek more.

'Twas the night before Axemas

'Twas the Night before Axemas,
and all through the wood
The goblins were stirring
They were up to no good.

For they knew Father Axebeard
would fly overhead
and they wanted his shinies
and a pike through his head

They'd stolen a crossbow
a big one. Five feet.
and an incendiary arrow
to roast Axebeard's meat.

They set it up on a hill,
and aimed at the sky
Ready and waiting
for their prey to come by

Then through the night,
Noise made their ears prick.
The jingle of sleigh bells,
And the space hamsters’ “squick”

They swung ‘round the crossbow
And let the bolt fly
It stuck in a runner
And started to fry

The space hamsters panicked
Axebeard was in shock
Into a hillside, the sleigh
It went “thwock”

It hit the ground hard,
Cracked open, then sank
For underneath was a dungeon
Old, dark and dank.

But as luck would have it
This debacle was seen
By some wandering heroes
Well-armed and keen

So off through the woods
they started to race
Hoping to beat
The goblins’ quick pace

If the goblins got Axebeard
They’d hack him to pieces
And there’d be no more presents
For their nephews and nieces.

Thus they entered the dungeon
Through the back of a cave
Lamps lit and swords ready
They’d an old dwarf to save...